I am not a mess.

It was about 5 years ago, I was sitting on my friends bed in the Dominican Republic deep in conversation on the importance of finding happiness within myself. I’ve always considered myself a happy person, but the reality of my life(and out of complete obligation) was that I was sending out a representative of myself a lot. A representative that was upbeat, positive, not too affected by feelings… this was a way that I protected myself, and how I really felt, and who I really was. It was a defense mechanism to keep at bay feelings of individuality.(something we were told was wrong)

This convo with my friend, although so simple, triggered so much emotion and it was the start of a journey for me-opening my eyes to how I was really feeling about life deep down inside. I am still on this journey of learning life’s feels- the highs and lows-learning I am actually not a mess. Learning that being authentic is not always a pretty,positive,upbeat front. Learning that in sitting with pain we have a lot of personal growth. Learning how to find the real me, living my truth. It’s liberating. It’s hard. But. God. I wouldn’t trade realism for the false representation of life … EVER.

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